Divorce has left me with a lot of questions.
Do I go to my (ex) mother-in-law’s funeral one day in the future?
Now I can tell you that Dick will not go to my mother’s future funeral. He is not welcome. Yes, he knows our entire family and was an important person in the lives of some of my younger family. But he has cut himself off from them and is hated by those family members who know the truth behind our divorce.
But I have maintained contact with my in-laws. I ensure my child visits when in our small hometown, I call for birthdays, and I try to inform my ex of how to handle the senior health concerns they are facing. I am very close with my younger sister-in-law and her children and still plan family get-togethers together. It is well recognized by her that I am the one who worked to maintain this relationship and I am the chosen family member. Bless her, I can’t tell you how important this it to me. I couldn’t live without my nieces in my life. As my wise Counsellor says, I am divorcing Dick, not his family.
But, back to funerals. As a Social Worker with seniors, I have strong opinions of death rituals and the need for funerals. But I don’ t imagine Dick and the Girlfriend would want me at my mother-in-law’s or her partner’s funerals. But maybe our son would. I guess I would explain to him why his dad might not want me there.
I guess the answer would be, do my sister-in-laws want me there? Do my nieces need me? If yes, I will be there for my chosen family. If no, I will stay here and communicate with my son as much as he needs.
I feel the need to add, good luck to whomever has to take care of that estate. Dick is unable to sort, pack or decide what has value. He hasn’t settled his dad’s estate in the last eight years. His sisters don’t have a relationship with their mom so won’t be helping with the estate. I always knew it would fall on my shoulders. I was prepared to sort, sell, clean for hours. I was prepared to guilt his family into helping and coercing my family to help too. Now, I am out of the picture. It won’t be Dick handling those affairs. Which isn’t a laughing matter when I think of how the sale of that property could benefit the grandchildren, including my own son. I will have to repeat the mantra, Not my circus, Not my monkeys.
