Everything changes
Everything falls apart
Can’t stand to feel myself losing control
But deep in my senses I know
How stupid could I be
A simpleton can see
That you’re not good for me
But you’re the only one I see
Stupid, Sarah McLachlan
Wow! The dreams I have been having about my divorce in the last few weeks. They have been exhausting, literally, since I wake up in a cold sweat and am afraid to go to sleep. Most of them are easy to understand and don’t need a lot of deep examination.
I have had dreams about Dick crawling back and I take him back, others when he comes back and I refuse him, others where we sleep together because he is single, others where we sleep together and we both know he is cheating.
I’ve had a dream where we got back together on the same schedule as our current child custody schedule. One week with me, one week with her. Even in my dream, I got bored of him early and told him to head over to the other house.
A dream I had a few nights ago was very scary. I was driving, well, in typical dream-logic, an RV, my mini-van, and then at the end, the RV by remote control from my mini-van. The main constant was that the vehicle had way too many people in it who were not wearing seatbelts, including my son, the vehicle was always out of control and close to crashing, narrowly missing many accidents. I woke up in a panic and feeling like I had no control of my life. This is a feeling I have had about my life for some time, but have set aside while trying to regain control. I guess my brain has decided it is time to feel this feeling.
This morning I had a dream, again, everchanging details as dreams tend to do, where we were on a cruise ship. The cruise ship couldn’t even get out to sea from the wharf/dock, due to the high and dangerous waves, and a whale-sized gold fish that had been washed into the area due to the ongoing storm. Jake and I were staying on one deck while Dick and his new family were in a cabin on another deck. Jake left to be with his dad’s family. Leaving me alone. Wow, thanks brain, danger AND abandonment all at once. Thanks.
